Incomprehensible Worries

I don’t know why I’m so anxious about repairing the cracks in the game Yunshangyuyi. Checking it several times when the 8-hour procedure is nearly over and not allowing even a 10-minute delay for the next round, I seem to be too anxious about maintaining a routine. Why can’t I be more relaxed and let my schedule more flexible?

If a game fellow helped to repair mine, I would remember her name and help her vice versa in the next round. But it seems that I’m the only person who cares for the help-each-other pattern. They must just choose a friend randomly. But at least I got a friend who can constantly help me if I keep repairing hers. We’ve never chatted yet, but we are both active and keep the silent promise. 

As I’m complaining about the impossibility of tacit understanding, a friend I helped before came to repair mine after I sent the message in the common chatroom. If we never interacted before, she would never know that I’m her friend and be willing to help me. 

Consistent Routine

Doing a thing for ten minutes a day sounds easy and approachable. However, it turns out to be rather difficult for most of us. Come to think of it, if I can maintain several ‘ten minutes’ to improve myself, I will become better than lots of people.

To study in Australia, I’ve written up my thoughts in English every day since last week to improve my language output. Writing needs so much energy, attention and persistence, which is more torturing than reading. Speaking is another weakness. I’ve been practising my pronunciation hardly since last week, my face muscle aching as a result. I believe that I can see a huge improvement shortly. 

There’s another concern that I’ve gained fat. I’ve been doing stretching and yoga 30 to 40 minutes a day since last semester and I didn’t get any fat until now. It feels like my thigh and butt swollen with ants climbing on it, which make me super uncomfortable. I used to be fat and I’ve been putting a lot of efforts on losing weight ever since middle school. Unfortunately, COVID-19 broke the balance. I eat more unconsciously at home than in school. I have to increase the time for exercise and not eat too full. I complained to my mom, but she didn’t care. She only cared for the hairs in my room. This incident reminds me of the fact that there’s almost nothing unchanged in this world. 

The Winning Intention

We've been told that we must work hard to become successful ever since childhood. Lots of parents like comparing their child with a neighbour's kid or some friend's son of a distant friend. Meanwhile, we can't stop competing against other people either. Envy or even hate somebody that surpass ourselves in one or more areas.

I always wish myself to be one of the best within a circle, excellent enough to beat back anyone's doubt and make their mouths' shut. Of course, that's impossible. I've been suffering from the side effects of my competitive intention either. I'm never satisfied with myself, which shows that I never truly loved myself.

Now I realized that just focusing on my own life is the key to the solution. Someone else's life has nothing to do with me.

Life is full of pain

These days I've been thinking everyone would die someday, which is the definite end for every creature in the earth. Our being will all become blank once we die.

My life is already full of sadness and pessimistic thoughts. It seems that I've never been truly happy.  Happiness is only like a whim that visited me temporarily and sporadically. I've been planning in my head how I can end my life. Dreaming about traveling to Japan and dead in the sea, I disappeared like a bubble, as if I'd never existed. I didn't want to commit suicide due to fear of pain, but thinking about it made me feel better, or the tangle of emotions would suffocate me completely.

Recently I've figured out that there is no need to kill myself. I've already accepted the truth of human life and society, which is awash with darkness including sorrow, pain, contempt, cruelty and so on. I just have to follow the natural path of my life and walk towards death with tranquillity, embracing whatever happens in the future.